Y’all, it’s Mental Health Month & I have MDD (aka “clinical depression”) am currently in the middle of a depressive episode. What this means for me: a period of weeks or months when I have very limited “hit points” (aka physical/emotional energy) >

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

I have brain fog, sometimes a sense of “lost time,” poor executive functioning, general exhaustion, bad memory, avd yes the typical symptoms of getting triggered into random crying bouts I can’t explain, hopelessness, being overwhelmed, & yeah the passive suicidal ideation. >

For me, it doesn’t mean I’m 100% incapable of finding something funny or pleasurable 100% of the time. It means those. It doesn’t mean I’m 100% nonfunctional. But everything I do is slower, my thoughts are slower, everything is more difficult. >

It’s not a personal failing. I’m not lazy. I don’t lack in positivity under normal circumstances. I am, in a general sense, happy. My life is great. I have been on medication for years, have been tried on every class of med and combo thereof you can imagine. >

I’m not crazy or fragile. I don’t lack in moral character. I have an illness. My depression is mostly medication-resistant. I either get personality-altering unpleasant side effects, or the med doesn’t work. There’s only one that’s ever worked for me >

And I’ve been on the highest dosage of it since 2002. That med seems to be failing me now, and I’ve got only 2-3 further options. Two doctors evaluated & approved me for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It’s FDA approved, but it’s expensive & my insurance won’t cover it.>

I don’t wish to be ecstatically happy, just functional. And I’m not right now & that’s really frustrating. I’ve pared down to the most essential tasks & try to concentrate on those one at a time, when I can. I’ve tried to delegate when I can, but some shit just isn’t >

getting done. This feels like failure to me, which piles onto the depression, making it worse. If you work with me, I’m sorry. If I bail out of plans, I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but it’s not me being an asshole. It’s me protecting what little energy I have right now. >

Frankly, it’s better if you have zero expectations of me delivering on anything other than getting grades turned in on time. I have a grant for some curricular work that I will do my best to deliver on this summer, but travel drains me & I may have to cancel some plans. >

But I’d prefer to stay alive. And to do that I’m going to have to drastically reduce my obligations in the next months. And rest. And hope my insurance comes through. If you think I’m a loser for this or judge me, you can basically fk off. This is serious. >

Every email I get demanding that I have to do this or that thing right fking now or else just feels like I’m falling into a hole.If you care about me, please be understanding or back off. I’m in self-preservation mode right now. That’s all I can do. >

If that’s not enough. Too bad. You’re not getting more. I don’t have more.

If someone in your life has a mental illness & you don’t cut them at least a little slack, you’re killing them. Be kind or back off.

And please no suggestions. I’ve either tried or researched all of them. Have also done: meditation, years of therapy, yoga, exercise, vegetarian, vegan, keto, CrossFit, kickboxing, time in nature, walking, volunteering, and more. Just FYI, giving a depressive a to-do list = 👎🏻