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Alright, electoral division of Cooper VIC (Clifton Hill, Alphington, Northcote, Thornbury, Preston, bits of Coburg and Coburg North, Reservoir, Kingsbury, and bits of Bundoora and Macleod), let's see what wild shit your candidates are representing. ~a thread~
House of Representatives, first on the ballot paper: it's Teresa van Lieshout, someone I've never heard of before but is listed as "teacher". Sounds promising. (Spoiler: IT'S NOT)
Turns out you can view scans of candidate's section 44 qualification checklist on AEC's website (the form that proves they aren't a dual citizen), and Teresa van Lieshout's is WILD A form question in black print: Form question asking for additional details. Teresa has written in increasingly cramped handwriting,
Teresa lists her occupation as "Christian teacher" (even though her teaching registration seems to have been cancelled years ago?) and wants all of Australia to be "Christ-centred",

and ... there's this: Three frames from Teresa's YouTube video. She is a White woman with long blonde hair, wearing jeans and a dark top, standing in a living room clearly pointing in the air and singing and dancing. In the final frame she is head-banging. Caption:
Ah, she's from Western Australia. That tracks.

watoday.com.au/national/weste… Black text on white bkgd:
Teresa is running as an independent candidate in Cooper. She was previously dumped by the Palmer United Party for being too difficult to work with.
Okay, 2nd on Cooper's House of Representatives ballot paper. Sarah Russell, Reason Party. Sarah quit the Greens last year after the shitshow that was the Batman by-election. (I don't get quitting a party so you can say it's actually 90% good but ok)

smh.com.au/politics/feder…
The Reason Party describes its policies with phrases like "good sense" and "sensible" and "rational" which makes me 👀👀👀

but they're pro
- decriminalise sex work
- invest in mental health
- renewable energy

which is cool, but also
- address "obesity in primary schools" uh oh
3rd on Cooper's House of Representatives ballot: Brett Nangle, United Australia Party (aka Clive Palmer's party) (aka The Worst).

One of Brett's policies is "$55b on the NBN and it still doesn't work" which ... isn't a policy, it's something boomers comment on news articles
BRETT WANTS YOU TO PREFERENCE TERESA VAN LIESHOUT *THIRD* I'M SCREAMING
Back to Teresa for a minute: I found ... (I can barely type this I am weak) ... I found the Goodreads listing for a book she wrote called (all caps) PRAYING FOR THE NATION. It has one star (out of one rating). And then I looked at its one review. I'm-- A Goodreads review from Jan 10, 2009, by user Jaz [abridged for space]:
A KID WROTE TERESA A LETTER SAYING HEY YOUR WAY OF TEACHING IS BOTHERING ME AND INSTEAD OF TALKING TO THE KID TERESA QUIT SHE QUIT THE SCHOOL
... and probably left them 13 voicemails calling them fascists and declaring "this means war"
Onto the next HoR candidate on the Cooper ballot: Nadine Richings, Animal Justice Party.
- Vegan approved
- Loves animals
- An actual biologist, did PhD research on marsupials
- Wants to preserve and protect Darebin's ecosystems
- Lived here all her life

junctionjournalism.com/2019/05/02/ani…
I should be reading policy info but I've been distracted for 5 minutes by the fact that Animal Justice Party's 'Humans' policy icon is a photo of a hand holding a paw
The Animal Justice Party wants to lower the national birth rate and won't say how
Tbh it seems like people who have service animals will benefit from the Animal Justice Party advocating for animals to be allowed in more spaces and treated more as people/companions rather than property, so, cool.

Relevant given this recent story: abc.net.au/news/2019-05-1…
Next on the Cooper HoR ballot paper: David Risstrom, Greens. He's replacing Alex Bhatal who nominated him before she quit the Vic Greens last year due to internal undermining.

David's a barrister and was in the Victorian Mental Health Tribunal and was Vic's first elected Green.
They want the usual Greens stuff, you get it.
6th on the Cooper HoR ballot: Kath Larkin, Victorian Socialists.

Around my neighbourhood Kath's face has replaced the photos of the socialist guy who looked like the stock photo of a serial killer so I've appreciated that
Kath Larkin, Victorian Socialists, wants
- to raise all award wages and restore penalty rates
- to extend public housing
- free public preschool and aged care
- "stand against racism" no specifics on how but y'know with this many racists running, it's something
- no robodebt
This is Kath's most specific policy and also my favourite because if we establish $87,000 as an average worker's wage, then will my disability pension go up (please) Large bold black font heading:
7th on the ballot paper: Ged Kearney, Labor. Won the by-election last year basically because the Vic Greens sabotaged their own candidate (Alex Bhatal). Has been a nurse and the president of the Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU). Nobody is sure how to pronounce "Ged".
Ged is NOT preferencing Teresa van Lieshout last, that's how much she hates the Liberals
8th on the HoR ballot paper for Cooper: Andrew Bell, Liberal.

Liberal.

*fart noise*
This is taking me so long because I spent so much time cackling and googling deeper about Teresa van Lieshout
Okay, Senate candidates for Cooper VIC! I'm gonna get the racist ones out of the way up top.
The racist ones (I'm going by party here)
🚫 James Paterson, Liberal
🚫 Jane Hume, Liberal
🚫 David Van, Liberal
🚫 Anita Rank, The Nationals
🚫 Kyle Hoppitt, Liberal
🚫 Julian Mulcahy, Liberal
Republican Party of Australia's policy info on their website hasn't been updated since 2014 so I don't even know what to do with that. They have two senate candidates for Cooper: Geoff Lutz, and Peter Consandine who lists his as """POLITICAL OPERATIVE""". Amazing.
Tessa Pietsch and Jason John Bradley Wardle (Jason that is far too many names) from the Socialist Equality Party.

The Socialist Equality Party opposes #MeToo?? To be clear, they don't oppose all those people having to survive sexual abuse; they oppose *the MeToo movement*
*his occupation. Political operative. He lists his occupation on the AEC as political operative.
Simon Kemp and Peter Graham from the Small Business Party. The party wants to reduce immigration, so that's getting a big ol' racism stamp 🚫
Bob Payne and Kevin Murphy, Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group) NOOOPE 🚫
Catriona Cecilia, Katie Lucinda O'Connor and Roger McKay for the United Australia Party, nooooope 🚫
Ricky Muir and Damian Stock from Shooters, Fishers and Farmers. The party supports offshore processing of "illegal migrants" NOOOOPE 🚫
Climate Action! Immigration Action! Accountable Politicians!

a party name as exhausting and hollow as Taylor Swift's latest single with Brendon Urie from Panic! At The Disco
Omg I'm scrolling down the list and there's so many senate parties they ran out of letters of the alphabet I'm exhausted
Here are the senate parties that seem least bad to me, in order from least annoying to probably most useless:
- Greens
- Science Party
- Socialist Alliance
- Australian Democrats
- The Together Party
- Help End Marijuana Prohibition
- The Women's Party
- Australian Workers Party
I am not a political expert. I have not read a lot of these people's websites. I have been at this desk researching my candidates for three hours. I am tired. I just want to vote. I want this country to shift away from the far right as much as possible. I don't even want a snag
Thank you to @katelynjanedunn for helping me with some of this research. And for tolerating my wild hysteria on the phone during hour 3
(I’m from Western Australia)
@katelynjanedunn I voted! The pre-polling booth’s queue was out the door, around the corner and down the side street
An update on Teresa: she spent the final night before the election screaming racist abuse at African men on the street in Northcote because of course she did
Teresa was filmed yelling at the bewildered men: “You have to respect me, because I was born here and I’m a teacher.”

1. Her teacher registration has been taken away from her at LEAST once
2. Sure she was born here but her parents abd grandparents weren’t?? So like calm down??
Teresa (of Dutch descent) yelled at the men (of Nigerian descent), “I don't go to your country and destroy your rights, what do you say about that?”

Mm. Yep.

I bet the Dutch never, say, ran a slave trade in Nigeria.

*turns to look at camera*
Also Australia is famously great at respecting the rights of black people, yep
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