my first meeting w my therapist i talked to her about how lonely i was and how i just wish i had a man around to love on my and she asked me why it has to come from a man/be romantic and i thought that was the goofiest question id ever heard fast forward x amount of years later, im able to see what she was getting at but still struggling to really *feel* it. tv and rom coms and the media and capitalism and generational stuff and blah blah blah, so much makes us feel like the realest form of love is the romantic kind

hello my emotional friends :) just discovered something that helped me feel better during an "okay i see the wave of anxiety/depression coming & what i tell myself in this moment will determine whether it takes me down or if i paddle my goofy ass back to shore okay" moment im fine but have been without a prescription of mine for a few days (i know the reason why, i am fixing it, pls no fussing or advice, ty for wanting to help 💜) so i can feel my brain finna do what it does and freak out

breaking my social media fast, which may or may not exist anymore, to share something i found really really helpful from today's therapy sesh. i figured out why i (we?) have so much trouble celebrating our wins so ive been in therapy for 100 years. still anxious, but im pretty sure i was born that way so i'll stay that way. still depressed too, which i thought id be cured of by now. aa few sessions ago we talked about what i think a return to health 'should' look like

yo man this is wild!! i knew it was bad but this presentation has me feeling like even i didnt appreciate how awful and terrifying this shit was! this footage of this pack of men calling for nancy by name. idk if i could sit and watch this if that was me

lol wow man. that 'i love texas' tweet & video. 'damning' is not a strong enough word pointing out the fight music! brilliant

love being able to do therapy appointments from my bed bc i dont have to travel to go cry in my bed afterward today's sesh was tough but necessary. about learning to be kind to yourself when you live in a society that teaches us to blame people when they are victimized by someone else. i am very, very bad at this.

im watching youtube clips of elizabeth warren eating people up at senate hearings. so soothing. fed em. to warren. she snackin.

today's big therapy takeaway is the importance of discomfort. i was talking about how the latest political developments have made me nervous and panicked in almost every area of my life & how draining that panic as been. she said that's actually a good sign. im like what. she's like in the past you were okay with things being whatever they were because you didnt have the energy or ability to connect with them. now you can, and that discomfort doesnt feel good. thats good bc its discomfort that drives us to make changes in our lives

i have a lot that i will hopefully remember to say on #InternationalPodcastDay but first i wanna thank the reason i even know what a podcast is, @heavenrants 😩😊🤗😍 im at a point where i can admit to missing making Another Round, but every show i make feels partly like + im making it with heben bc i take everything she taught me with me: be *thoughtful.* listen to your gut. guard your energy. be honest. trust your voice. never forget the mediocrity of white men in the industry. prioritize your mental health. value being fair over being kind.

cried all through therapy. gonna share what i can remember & then go lay down and allow myself to grieve, which was one of the most helpful directives helpful things:

1. the fucked up way youre feeling right now is normal with proper context. this has made me feel guilty for not being at home, selfish for being so impacted by whats happening since im not at home, & most of all, terrified for my life & the lives of my loved 1s

yo does anybody know any of these blacks that speak at and got to tromp rallies? id love to know how their families feel about them can you imagine growing up and learning that papaw not only voted for tromp but did it in public? where people could see them?

dispatches from therapy:

1. another reminder that we're still in the midst of a pandemic, and that complicates everything that was already complicated. remember this context; it can help you be kinder to yourself.

add 'during a pandemic' to the end of your evaluatory sentences ie - 'im just not doing a good job of being present' <-- no context, critical

vs

'im just not doing a good job of being present during this pandemic' <-- mad context, hella understandable

and while im complaining can we please stop telling people that if you dont love/respect yourself then no one else will.

the prob is that if you dont love yourself you cant value yourself enough to kick ppl who DONT love and respect you out of your life this puts the responsibility of being loved and respected on us as if we have to do something to earn being treated the way yall's bible tells you to treat ppl in the first place. you supposed to love ppl bc youre SUPPOSED to love ppl not bc they love themselves

I MISSED MONICA AND BRANDYS VERZUZ BC I HAD A COUPLE OF MANY DRINKS BC I BEEN SAD ALL DAY FOR NO REASON AND NOW IM JUST SADDER okay fine ill tune in halfway thru but i wont like it and you cant make me

gmornin church! had a good therapy session today where we talked some more about the blurred lines that come with working from home/living at work (shout out to the person who tweeted that, cant remember who but its so real) during this weird confusing ass time we talked about how important rituals are bc they signal when its time for us to work, when its time to relax etc; i havent tried bc that shit is hard but ive been stressed enough to do it so my new project: making my bedroom 'home' & the rest of the apt the office

finally searched ‘breonnacon’ and... since its in louisville im assuming the planners are also from louisville so i dont wanna say anything bad abt my ppl so instead ima say i hope that the intention was genuinely good :/

hurry up and do something or get out of the fucking way pls @louisvillemayor @kyoag

lately ive been watching old presidential debates from when i was too young to care or know about politics or wasnt born yet and im not exactly sure why. but they are *riveting* reagan ate carter UP in 1980!

hey! have you been listening to @Mailchimp's Going Through It? if not, a) how very dare you and b) here's what you missed! in pre-covid times, i traveled to DC and spoke with @IlhanMN about her journey to america, to congress, and into the spotlight: mailchimp.com/presents/podca…

got an important word in therapy that i feel like i should share with all you tired ass hoes:

even though there's a pandemic and youre at home sitting down all the time, you STILL get tired, physically and mentally. shit like being at home and productivity look different now. lately ive noticed ive been clinging to my old coping devices, mostly smoking too much and making 14 blankets at once, and that usually means im tired. normally when im tired i go home and rest on the couch. these days im always on the couch, so i dont notice the tiredness

had a good therapy sesh today about traumas & triggers & learned that im doing better than i thought w this healing stuff. we talked abt how the trauma of my last job colors and influences the projects im currently working on i get trauma and ptsd and how it works. i said that no matter how good the current landscape looks, there's always a big, shadowy building w red eyes, dripping fangs and sharp talons just waiting for its time to jump out & fuck me up again

woke up overwhelmed and over everything. started complaining about it & then a voice i only half recognized as mine said ‘youre overwhelmed bc its been awhile since youve been overwhelmed. thats all.’

and it.... i think it worked?! i mean i still hate everything and am annoyed by it but im not being mean to myself bc if it